May 8, 2016. One year ago today Joey took his last breath surrounded by his family. Our hearts broke as he took his first breath in heaven. I know he is healthy and in complete happiness. He is surrounded by God’s love and our family that has gone before us. I know he is waiting to be reunited with us. What seems like forever here on Earth to us I pray doesn’t feel that long in heaven.
I’ve spent the last year replaying dates and memories from the year before. We’ve gone through the start of a new school year, holidays, and family celebrations without Joey. Our lives are not complete here. We lost a part of our heart, our hopes and dreams, and part of our future. I will always have questions to which I’ll never have an answer. I am not the same person I was before Joey passed. I’m a mother who had to give her child back to God. I will now have to live the rest of my life wondering why? Why he isn’t here with us and why God needed him more? Why he won’t get to graduate with his friends, go off to college, make a career for himself, and have a family of his own one day because I know that he wanted one. Instead I slept in his bed last night hoping I’d wake up with him there or he would come and visit me. This is something I haven’t done since he passed. It’s been so hard sometimes to be in his room surrounded by all of his personal things and yet he is not here to use them anymore. Everything brings about a memory of him.
This morning I woke up in his room before the sun was up. I could hear the birds chirping just like we did the morning he passed. I’ll never forget our last morning together. How fitting that it was Mother’s Day. I talked to him even though he didn’t speak back. I know he heard me. I poured my heart out to him. I told him how proud I was to be his mom. How he was so strong and brave. How he didn’t have to fight anymore. I spoke to him about heaven and who he knew would be there waiting for him. I apologized for any of the times I was upset with him (which was never). I felt guilty for the times I’d yelled at him for fighting with his sister or complained about all the Legos he had. I also thanked him for being my son and such a good boy. He didn’t deserve what happened to him. No one does. He had such a kind and thoughtful heart. He was so smart. I know if he followed through on what he was passionate about he would be an amazing engineer someday.
Memories seem to blur over time. I think that happens to help ease a grieving heart. I do remember falling asleep next to him later that morning. It was the best sleep I’d had in the years since he was diagnosed. I slept so peacefully next to my son. I don’t know for how long but looking back now I think God knew I’d need that restful sleep before he was going to take my son home. I could go on and on and tell you how much I believe God does things for a reason. How he arranged to have our families here with us. How he sent the nurses in our lives those last two days. How he allowed me to wake up with my son on Mother’s Day, and be with him along with his Dad when he took his last breathes. I talked to him and reassured him it was ok to go and lied when I said we would be ok. We are not ok. We miss him every single day. How do you keep living when your child is no longer with you? This has been our struggle this past year. It’s a struggle to keep life as normal as you can for his sister. To keep up with the world that continues around you. Life doesn’t stop even though ours has.
This all brings me to today. I’m blessed for the pictures, stories, friendships and memories to help me through my life time. I want people to remember our beautiful son and not be afraid to speak of him. As I’ve said before I’ll always be sad but talking about my son makes me happy. He has given all of those who knew him plenty of laughs, his warm smile, and lots of memories . I am grateful for the times I got to hold him, kiss him, hug him, comfort him, be proud of him, celebrate him, and tuck him in at night. He was my first born and the one to give me the title of mother.
We miss you so much. I miss you so much. I miss our talks, your sense of humor, your abundance of knowledge, your calmness and attitude on life, your big heart, and your voice. I still pray you will visit me in my dreams and tell me you are happy and that we will be together again soon. I love you with all my heart Joey and I’m so proud of you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful soul with all of us. I know God will reunite all of us in our time. Until then I’ll try to be strong for you like you were for us.
Thank you to everyone for all of your thoughts and prayers, messages, and today for honoring Joey at school. I wish I’d had the strength to be there to see the kids wearing hats for Joey. It means so much to us and the greatest gift you could give us is remembering our son.