I have not posted since May 8th, a year to the day Joey went to heaven. Tonight though I felt compelled to write again. This summer it seems has made me feel even more the loss of Joey and his absence in our lives.
While spending time with family and taking pictures with all his cousins my heart hurt that Joey wasn’t among them. When being among others I feel sadness that it’s now just Joe, Gianna and I. Believe it or not when I returned home today from being with family part of me still hoped I was coming home to Joey. Part of me will never understand that my son was once here but is no longer. I think my heart wants him to be here so badly that it tricks my brain so that even though I know he is healthy in heaven I still hope that he just shows up out of the blue. This summer it feels like he has just been away. I feel like he has been away at college or maybe that he is old enough to live away on his own. I guess that’s my way of coping sometimes.
I see more and more everyday what we have and will miss out on with Joey as well as what he has missed out on in life. Today in my mail I found addressed to The Cibella Family (Parents & Teen)-The Florida Driver’s License Handbook. I cried and continue to. It crushes me because next month is Joey’s birthday and he would be getting his driving permit. He deserved so much the chance to get it. My heart is just breaking more. It’s like twisting the knife that’s in my heart. Part of me wishes the DMV checked such a fact before sending this to the home of grieving parents. Part of me is also happy to see it come. This handbook represents a milestone in Joey’s life. I can take comfort in the fact that the DMV thinks he should be here too. Either way you look at it, it’s just another reminder that Joey is in heaven and another thing that he was robbed of in his life.
I do truly know in my heart that Joey is so happy. I know he is free of pain. I also don’t think of him as feeling sad being apart from us. I believe he is surrounded in God’s love and with our other family members in heaven. I believe that he feels peace and knows we will all be reunited one day for eternity. For him it’s like the blink of an eye but for us we have to suffer and wait for that day to come. I can’t wait to be with Joey again. I miss him so much that words can’t explain. To hear his voice, see his smile, and to hold and talk to him. I did have a very quick dream recently where I got to wrap my arms around him and it felt so real. He let me just hold him. To me that’s like a little piece of heaven on earth. I love you Joey.